The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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