i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈ðŸ˜
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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