He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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