bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
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