Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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