I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
