I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
