I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
we're making bets on your personal life
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
