How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Farmville is her only friend.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
My bed is full of blood and feathers
whose ass print is on the piano?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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