I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
