i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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