I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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