Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
