Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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