proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Did I show you my penis last night?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
