My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
