The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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