TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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