Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
