The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
