i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
