dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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