How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
where are you?
Hypothermia
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
