I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
