That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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