She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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