is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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