If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
