life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
