So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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