awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
