i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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