I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
