Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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