it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
