A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
