apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize