you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I am naked and annoyed.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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