You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
