i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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