One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
