...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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