Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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