Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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