dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
