You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I think your dad took our porno
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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