I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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