Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
