Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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