My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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