dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
