Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
