I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize