Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
