Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
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