I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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