I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
