I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
