I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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