I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
