Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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