tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
