we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
