just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
